Bad dreams.

For whatever reason I’ve always had super vivid dreams. I always seem to remember every detail once I wake up and they always stick with me. And sometimes, depending on what they’re about they can really affect my day. 

Last night I had a dream that had to be, hands down, the worst dream I’ve ever had. The panic and sadness I felt feels so real to me. And I’m so paranoid.

In my dream we were at hobby lobby. It’s not uncommon that when we’re out Mando and I will wander away from each other, and usually he’s pushing the cart so I’m holding Nathan’s hand. This is exactly what happened in my dream. In the dream I was looking at something on a shelf and a woman came up to me complimenting how handsome Nathan was. I was holding him and I remember feeling like she was just way too close, it was overwhelming. But I was trying to be polite and say thank you until she walked away. But she didn’t. She started trying to grab Nathan from my arms. I tried to fight her back but it’s like my hits were doing nothing to her. She ripped him from my arms and I fell to the ground and saw her running off with Nathan in her arms. I got up as quick as I could and started to chase her while screaming for people to stop her, but no body could. I watched her run through the front doors of the store and knew I had to hurry. Once outside I watched her throw my son into the car and drive off. I felt so helpless. I had to go back into the store and call the police. Mando came to the front and saw that I didn’t have Nathan and I had to tell him. His face was shocked and confused. I felt like he hated me, I allowed someone to run off with our son. In the dream I remember thinking to myself “what the hell does she want with a 4 year old?!” And all of the worst thoughts entered my head. After this, I woke up. It was around 7am and Nathan had come into bed with me around 6. I stared at him and I still felt so overwhelmed. He has all these plans to go to the park today and he wants to go to a certain park and do all of these things while we’re there and I’m terriefied to leave the house. 

I know I have to just suck it up and use this to keep myself more aware of our surroundings when out. I know I can’t project my fears on to him. I have to let him be a kid and enjoy his day despite my own feelings. It’s just really hard. Losing one of the boys or Mando is seriously one of my biggest fears in life. 

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