So much has gone on so I’m trying to figure out where to begin.
I guess I’ll start with the surrogacy. Per my last post(well over a month ago 😬) I had my embryo transfer, but unfortunately the embryo did not stick. I had a feeling. I know that sounds dumb, like oh really? You had a feeling? But I’m really intune with my body and after about a week I really just felt it. To the point where, the night before I had my appointment to determine wether or not it stuck, I had a full anxiety attack. I knew I wasn’t pregnant, but somehow going in for the blood draw to HEAR the news was tearing me up. I did it, I got the call and the nurse gave me the news. I cried. I really really felt…defeated I guess? I was really just hoping and praying it would take on the first cycle. But it didn’t and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. I let myself feel what I was feeling. I cried it out, I avoided going anywhere I would see anyone who knew about my process, just because I knew if it came up the water works would be back on. But I had to get over it. I had to remind myself how lucky I am to not have to go through a process like this to have my own kids. I also had to remind myself that the parents were also receiving the news that the embryo didn’t take and how that must be a blow to them to. The good thing is that we’re staring another cycle this month, so I’m really hoping this takes this time.
My big boy started kindergarten last week. And I was a mess. I cried for a good hour(on and off) after I dropped him off. I tried so hard not to show my emotions in front of him but it was so hard. He was so so excited, but as soon as we got into his classroom I could tell reality set in for him and I could see he got nervous. Before I left his classroom he looked like he was gonna cry which really tore me up. I hated leaving him like that. I barely made it outside his classroom door before I started my ugly cry. Day 2 & 3 I teared up too. This week has been better. I do find myself getting choked up when I’m walking back to the car with Jake. He’s been home with me since day one. Every schedule and routine he’s ever been on has been mine. I’ve always known exactly what he’s doing, I’ve always taught him(what I can), so for him to be at school and just be doing this without me makes me a little sad. But at the same time I’m so happy to see his excitement for school. I love hearing the stories he tells when I pick him up. I love the worksheets he does. And if he could remember any of the songs he sings in class I know I’d love those too. He’s really loving it and I love that he loves it. It was just an adjustment, but it was very much needed.
Sunday we took the metrolink to Olivera St. in LA. It was a bit of a rushed trip due to me making us miss not one, but TWO trains. 🤷🏼♀️ But it was fun.